Hey! Whatever Happened to My Childhood Crushes?

22 Apr

So if you were a young queer in the 80s who wasn’t interested in the likes of the Coreys, Ricky Schroeder, Michael Jackson (Yes, young’uns, ask your 30something friends, he was once  a Tiger Beat pinup), Michael J. Fox, and Kirk Cameron (the Number one crush of straight young white girls, circa 1987), who in the heck were you interested in? 

Richard Grieco and Chad Allen...we hardly knew ye!

Oh, I can answer that, friends!  See, I liked girls, I just didn’t (really) know it yet.  I was clueless and never seemed to give a second thought to my crushes on girls until I hit about age 19.  Hmm, no interest in boys or dating them whatsoever.  Whatever!  Ah, the innocent, repressed, and for me Suburban Catholic 80s.  But I can remember my crushes!  Some were weird, some were mainstream, some seem a little cougar-y in retrospect.  But there were no Tiffanys or Debbie Gibsons in the lot, who were the only girls I ever remember seeing in Tiger Beat.  Not that I looked at it…gosh!  (Ed’s note: Said to the tune of…)

Let’s walk down memory lane, shall we?  Today’s spot-lit crush from my youth… Justine Bateman, or as I’ll always know her, Mallory from Family Ties.

The hair, the popped collar...oh yes! From the famous painting in progress opening scene.

The Bateman sibs...1983.

Late season Mallory.

MJF looks a little coked out here. The secret of his success?

Mallory with that short look that girls rocked back in the day. She wore it well...

Here she is at an awards show in 1987. She's got that slutty 1987 look to her here. Need I say more?

Family Ties ran from 1982-1989.  I probably watched most of the episodes.  Have I mentioned that I was a Junior TV Addict?  I was.  I had a pretty sweet tee shirt back then proclaiming as much.

It was kind like this, but not as cool. Bring back airbrushed t-shirt kiosks at the mall! Of course that means I'd have to start going to the mall, but I'm willing to sacrifice!

It’s probably this shirt and homophobia that made me not get any ladies in my youth.

Anyway, what were we talking about?  Oh, yes.  Mallory.

Mallory was the middle child of the fictional Keaton clan.  The premise of Family Ties, of course, was two hippies have kids, and then backlash and hilarity ensue .  The whole idea of hippies having Reagan loving kids makes Double S and I a wee bit hesitant in the kiddie department.  We don’t want to end up up like the queer Elise and Steven Keaton.  Who knows, in this day and age (I’ve been saying this more and more lately.  I think it means I’m old), we could end up with lil’ tea partiers.  Cautionary tale!

Mallory was a shopping obsessed, phone attached to her ear airhead.  But she had a heart of gold!  Alex P. Keaton was her older brother, a Reagan loving young Republican who gets his comeuppance when he meets young feminist Ellen.  What did she think…he would do at this moment?

Remember that episode where Alex tried to prep Mallory for a school quiz show?  That was awesome.

There were always school quiz shows on sitcomes in the 80s.  I was so jealous!  We never had a school quiz show!  But we did have D.B.’s Delight, which I watched religiously!

Greg Stolzer is fairly dreamy here.  His name was most likely doodled in the margins of local Trapper Keepers.  Ca you believe they both screwed up the Huey Lewis question?!

Back to the Keatons, there was so much orange juice drinking in the Keaton house.  Next time you catch an episode, take note!  APK will swig OJ whenever he hangs out in the family kitchen.  Love those juice glasses, btw.

What would we do baby, without us?  Kinda sweet.

To this day, whenever I slide in my grown up office chair (often!) I think of one Alex P. Keaton.

Mallory had a lot of suitors that invoked my jealousy.  There was Erwin “Skippy” Handelman.  Neighbor of the Keatons. Adopted and still working out those issues.  Plus, he had an unrequited love for Mallory.

Nerdy but sweet. Mallory liked the bad boys though.

Nick Moore was Mallory’s BF for the majority of the show.  Sensitive, yet rugged.  Used trash to make art, which is now kinda green and awesome.  Hilarity ensued though whenever APK gotta a load of this guy!

Hey! He's wearing a tie at least!

Then in 1988, Justine came out with her piece de resistance.  Satisfaction.  I saw it in the theaters, friends!  It was Justine’s only top billing role.

Oh yeah, Julia Roberts was in this too.  Big whoop.  This movie seems so ripe for a remake in today’s let’s redo everything from the 1980s culture that I’m just waiting for it. And yes,I am officially the grumpy old man.  Dana Carvey…genius!

Ya gotta love the smirk!

So where is she today?  Not sure, but she’s still looking good. 

The Bateman sibs on Arrested Devlopment, 2006.

The Keatons reunite in 2007. Check out Yothers! And Meredith Baxter looking dykey.

Don’t cry!  There will be more of my 80s crushes to come!

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4 Responses to “Hey! Whatever Happened to My Childhood Crushes?”

  1. Halpin April 23, 2010 at 6:33 AM #

    “Adopted and still working out those issues.”

    Best description of Skippy ever written.

    • ohbriggsy April 23, 2010 at 3:23 PM #

      thanks! i can’t remember now if mallory picked skippy over nick at the end. i seem to possibly remember a nick spin-off, which does tend to make me think that mallory dumped nick by the series finale…

  2. tlf September 6, 2012 at 6:04 AM #

    Want to hear something funny? I designed that very cover you posted on your blog. It’s still in my portfolio! ha ha. I was the art director at Tiger Beat back in the late 80’s.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 12 Days of Xmas in ’12! Day One! « oh, briggsy… - December 6, 2012

    […] Bateman looks old”: Nope! She’ll always be hot Mallory to […]

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