Look, I know it’s been a long week, so I hate to do what I’m about to do to you. I know, I know. Work is back in full force. It’s cold and dreary for the most part. Summer is far away. Christmas is just over. It’s January, which is kinda like the most boring month, am I right folks? What? Am I the only one who rank orders months in order of their excitement potential? OK.
1. July: Duh. First month of summer here in Seattle! We’ve earned some sun by this point.
2. December: Uh, duh. Holidaze!
That was an underrated episode of Community. Duh.
3. August: Nicest month in Seattle!
4. November: Holidays begin! Three days off from work as well. Thanks, veterans!
5. October: I like fall! And it’s our anniversary!
6. September: Still nice in Seattle!
7. March: Me birfday! Getting less and less exciting though.
8/9. April/May: A’ight. Same diff.
10. June: Gets points for being my fave month as child. Summer begins! No school! In Seattle, you can’t put your parka away yet, so it’s drastically fallen in the rankings.
11. January: Gets points for new beginnings.
12. February: Bo-ring!
So this will hurt me as much as it will hurt you, especially during these trying times. Ladies and gents, I give you the worst song ever. Today’s forgotten song…”Unskinny Bop” by Poison.
The sad thing is that I came up with this FSF of my own free will. I wasn’t subjected to it in the grocery store, which are usually great repositories for 80s tunes, BT dubs. I didn’t see a countdown of shitty songs somewhere. Nope, on Thursday afternoon, whilst waiting for my chili to reheat in the office microwave, I found myself singing “unskinny bop bop bop bop all night and day-ay!” Yep, just singing “Unskinny Bop” to myself, coworkers! Move along! Nothing to see here!
So what’s worse here, the song’s lyrics or it’s video? The lyrics are undeniably awful. Submitted for your approval, I give you this doozie: “Like gasoline you wanna pump me.” WTF?! In 1990? Weren’t we more innocent back then? Was this song just written for strip clubs and cougars of the future ? I guess so.
But don’t let just the title and lyrics alone convince you of the terrribleness of this song. We’ve got the low budget (1990 high tech?) line drawn cartoon girls dancing and grinding along with Bret Michael’s in-kind air pumping. At this point, you kinda have to look away, but don’t! You’ll miss Bret walking down metal ramps, sliding down oddly hoiday themed fireman poles, riding his scarf laden microphone stand like a pony, and so on.
As I’ve said, I loved hair rock growing up. I had Look What the Cat Dragged In (“Talk Dirty to Me” is a too oft forgotten gem, and yes, I have karaoked to it! Lock the cellar door!). I agonized along with the sad tale of “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn,” as I thought about my undying and confusing homosexual crushes circa 1988-1989. I rocked out to “Your Mama Don’t Dance,” and still long to sing it at karaoke, all dirtball straight faced. And, ok, I’ll admit it. I bought the album that contains “Unskinny Bop,” Flesh and Blood, in 1990.
I keed! That’s the album cover for Flesh and Blood. I really think it was this album and this song that gonged the death knell of hair rock for yours truly. At least at the time. Soon, I’d sell all my hair rock albums back to Vintage Vinyl (Sigh. I would greatly regret this hasty action down the road. Thanks a lot, Poison.) and become “alternative.” By 1991, I’d be buying this:
And then I became one of those annoying people in high school who loved R.E.M. And the rest was history.
Still. Is Unskinny Bop the worst song ever? I think it has my vote. You guys? Try to top “Unskinny Bop” as worst song ever. I dare you.
There are other contenders, don’t get me wrong.
Shudder. And I owned Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, so I appreciated the Hammer, ok?
Shudder again. Did people from your high school inexplicably all like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” too? Didn’t get it then. Don’t get it now.
Ironically, for me, these are all from the same time period. I think I all of a sudden got sick of the mainstream back in 1991 and never looked back. Gawd. I’m so Gen X.